Disppaointed

I hope when you talk to her you remember how unfair it is. And I hope that you know with every text you break my heart that much more.

I hope when you get mad at me you remember everything I do for you and I don't ask for anything in return.

I hope you realize before it's gone...

Tell me, baby...

How is it possible that every little thing that goes wrong is my fault? I mean, honestly, I can't even take it anymore. I'm about ready to throw in the towel and raise my white flag. 


I've never felt so bad about myself in my life...well, since I was with that first long-term girlfriend. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone? At least when I'm single I don't have to go to anybody, I don't have to check in, and I can do as I fuckin' please. I'm so sad, mad, upset, angry, tired, etc. Every possible emotion that isn't positive. 


I know that I do wrong a lot too, I'm quick to speak up and I can stay mad for a long time but really? Did I deserve the bullshit you do to me? I fuckin' do everything for you. EVERYTHING.You don't have to clean, do dishes, fold clothes, do your own laundry, call and check things, find an apartment, you just have to sit there. Smoke another bowl. And text your ex and shit. 


If someone wants to point me to a bridge, I'd be more than happy to jump off at this point. 


Oh, and you know what tops the cake? The fact that she was mad at me yesterday and blamed it on me that she doesn't ever get to do anything nice for me. What the flying fuck is that supposed to mean? It's not my fault that we have to spend ever waking moment together. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, which I'm not, you get more time away from me than I do you. Because YOU drop me off at work and then pick me up, the only time I'm away is my 8 hrs at work. OR if I so happen to drop you off at work then I have roughly 9 hours by myself because then I just get off work, come home, and fucking BAM! You're here. IT IS NOT MY FAULT STOP THINKING THAT.


It's hard to even pretend that I'm happy. I promised myself that I wouldn't do this again. But I am. Why? Because I do love her. I do want to be with her, but do you think that some people are meant to fall in love and not be together? I didn't before but I'm starting to believe that. I can't take it anymore. 


I don't even know what to do. Every time we fight I bring up everything that I'm mad about but it doesn't matter because then it's always "you're turning this to be all about you" and "but I'm with you" well if you're with me, then be there emotionally too. Don't be pissed your ex likes someone and lied to you about it. Who fucking cares? She's your ex...or so I thought.  I always say that I won't bring it up again and I'll just stop caring but everyone knows for a girl that is impossible. I always mistakenly bring it up. And there we go again...


It's a fucking merry-go-round and I want off.
Now.

I'm a winner at a losing game.

It just seems like it will almost never end. Just as I start to keep my thoughts about every fucking things that bothers me to myself, something else comes up.

We go to bed one night and of course I fall asleep in .003 seconds flat. She stays awake. And eventually falls asleep many moons later... I wake up everyday, shut my alarm off, check twitter, facebook, and then get ready. Nothing unusual about this day either except that I check my twitter and she has tweeted 'i cant stop thinking about you' backwards and written with no spaces. WTF.

I'm not happy. I can't get over it. I am pissed. But can I say something? No. But do I? Yes. And she says that it's just about a friend (that she had a thing for way back, but then she moved and they lost touch and now since she's back they've started talking again...) and it means nothing. Bullshit. Seriously. Am I supposed to believe that?!

I am supposed to. Do I? Not in the least bit.

Just fuckin' shoot me now, I'm tired of all this.
I know that I'm not perfect, in fact, I'm far from it...

BUT, I've NEVER given reason or done a thing to justify this.

I'm almost heartbroken again.

</3


I need to do this life change stuff. One day.

Well, here we go again...

 Well, this isn't the first blog that I've ever had. I had a Xanga at one point in my life, when it was cool, of course. Now, here I am again. I want a journal, I want one so badly, but the thought of writing one is dreadful. Considering I hardly ever pick up a pen and paper I think that writers cramp would begin one paragraph in... why put myself through the agony of trying to release my thoughts and get carpel tunnel at the same time? Exactly.

So like I said, here I am. I moved to here with my girlfriend. Back home things were always on the up and up -- never fought, never anything except be happy -- here, however, I don't have any friends (or very few, at least), I don't have my own car, and I definitely don't know how to get around... We have a tiff or two here and there every single day. It gets old and I am so tired of it. She also insists on talking to her ex all the time. I hate it. I've fought tooth and nail on this and she just gets mad and tells me that she doesn't think it's fair. What the flying fuck!? Why is it NOT fair? What did I do to deserve to have to sit through this bullshit. I  stopped talking to multiple people because it made her uncomfortable but the ONE person that makes ME uncomfortable she can't. Because she "misses having someone to talk to about all the stupid shows they like" and she ''misses her FRIEND''   -- her friend that talks shit about me and her friend that she cannot seem to find the words to defend me when I get put down. So now I've decided to try this new things where I just don't care. About anything.  I just get irritated, write tweets and then delete them before I can send them to the world, and cry alone.  Whenever the lady catches wind of this though she says "but I want you to tell me, I don't want you hurt''  Well if you don't want me fucking hurt than fucking GIVE UP YOUR EX. 

 

Everyday is the same thing. Same fight. Over the same people. Same situation. Same bullshit. 

 

I just give up. I can't do it anymore. So, this is day number two of trying to not care. Of trying to just....be. Be what? I don't know exactly. Alive? Here? 

 

Here goes nothing...

Wish me luck.