How is it possible that every little thing that goes wrong is my fault? I mean, honestly, I can't even take it anymore. I'm about ready to throw in the towel and raise my white flag.
I've never felt so bad about myself in my life...well, since I was with that first long-term girlfriend. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone? At least when I'm single I don't have to go to anybody, I don't have to check in, and I can do as I fuckin' please. I'm so sad, mad, upset, angry, tired, etc. Every possible emotion that isn't positive.
I know that I do wrong a lot too, I'm quick to speak up and I can stay mad for a long time but really? Did I deserve the bullshit you do to me? I fuckin' do everything for you. EVERYTHING.You don't have to clean, do dishes, fold clothes, do your own laundry, call and check things, find an apartment, you just have to sit there. Smoke another bowl. And text your ex and shit.
If someone wants to point me to a bridge, I'd be more than happy to jump off at this point.
Oh, and you know what tops the cake? The fact that she was mad at me yesterday and blamed it on me that she doesn't ever get to do anything nice for me. What the flying fuck is that supposed to mean? It's not my fault that we have to spend ever waking moment together. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, which I'm not, you get more time away from me than I do you. Because YOU drop me off at work and then pick me up, the only time I'm away is my 8 hrs at work. OR if I so happen to drop you off at work then I have roughly 9 hours by myself because then I just get off work, come home, and fucking BAM! You're here. IT IS NOT MY FAULT STOP THINKING THAT.
It's hard to even pretend that I'm happy. I promised myself that I wouldn't do this again. But I am. Why? Because I do love her. I do want to be with her, but do you think that some people are meant to fall in love and not be together? I didn't before but I'm starting to believe that. I can't take it anymore.
I don't even know what to do. Every time we fight I bring up everything that I'm mad about but it doesn't matter because then it's always "you're turning this to be all about you" and "but I'm with you" well if you're with me, then be there emotionally too. Don't be pissed your ex likes someone and lied to you about it. Who fucking cares? She's your ex...or so I thought. I always say that I won't bring it up again and I'll just stop caring but everyone knows for a girl that is impossible. I always mistakenly bring it up. And there we go again...
It's a fucking merry-go-round and I want off.
Now.
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